Thursday, April 23, 2015

Being proud.



The last time I blogged, it was close to my finals. Back then, I've had days where I just felt like jumping out of the window for no apparent reason. Not to suicide (don't get me wrong) but just for the thrill, just to let some things go. Last semester was a struggle, especially towards the end. I still remember the stress I had to go through with the amount of assignments piled up and the subjects I had to catch up on. I work best at night, less people awake, less people on networking sites, less distractions. Therefore, back then, I would sleep at 4 or 5 daily just to wake up for Subuh and later, for class. Finals was the time I caught up with my loved ones and my sleep. That may sound pretty messed up as finals is the time to study but I knew that it was needed.

It all paid off, however, after I got my results. It was rezeki from God. A 4 flat that I never really talked about. Only after that did I realise that a 4 flat really doesn't matter. It's just a number on the results slip. Just that, after you get it once, you are expected to get it again and again and again for a reason that you do not know of. Back in KMKN, for every 4 flat I got, I would feel proud - obviously but was never able to express it because society does not approve of self-acknowledgment.

Being in Malaysia, I believe, constrains you from being proud of what you've achieved. An announcement about your achievements would mean that you are bragging when all you want to do is to express your happiness of achieving something after working hard for it. A word about your accomplishments would make people say "Jangan bangga sangat, nanti Allah tarik balik rezeki," when all you wanted was people to congratulate you. In the minds of many people, compliments would lead to someone becoming a stuck up when instead, it would actually motivate them to do better. With the thoughts and fear of God taking back my achievements, I would only talk about it with my family and close friends. Because around here, being proud of your own hard work is not acceptable.

Therefore, after three 4-flats in a row, I'd like to show my gratitude for everyone who has helped me believe in myself, who visited me when I needed some love and support, who allowed me to keep the lights on at night, who listened to my complains, who helped me out with their lab reports, who taught me things I didn't understand, who kept me questioning, who kept checking up on me, who gave me the time I need, who didn't bother me while I was busy and who took care of my health when I wasn't bothered to. And especially to Allah, for answering my prayers and for blessing me with wonderful people in my life.